Seperation (离)

It was always a word that got stuck in my head. No matter how much I think about it, it is one truly horrendous word. No matter which scenario, which case study. When this word comes into play, its always a bad thing, a bad scenario, a bad case study. A bad situation. Unless it's cancer cells, but that's another story.

I've always felt that there was something in between my parents, and that they aren't talking to each other as often as they used to. My dad always seems to be in a bad mood everytime I'm back in Indonesia, and my mum smiles less often. I love my family, I respect everyone, most likely because I'm the black sheep.

My family was always something like a model family. My dad works day in day out for the family, my mum takes care of the family and food, and the rest of us just have to focus on growing up. There was just so many things that's unsaid that I enjoyed about my family. We don't exactly talk much, but we all do our parts as per normal.

My dad, I always looked up to him. I think any lesser being would have been crushed if anyone else were in his position. Having a family that he cannot meet, but must always place his 120% effort into maintaining. I looked up to him. His sense of duty, his being, and his responsibilities which he always placed on top.

Which is why I don't understand why he did this. I don't understand his thinking anymore, I always tried to make logic out of the way he thinks, and it always tallies up. But now, even with all the emotions that's going through his head, I still can't make any sense out of it.

Maybe because I left my emotions somewhere in my past. Maybe because I don't have the emotions yet to see what he's going through. I'm inexperienced, I'm worthless, I'm useless. I was the black sheep of the family, if anyone is going to mess the whole thing up, it's me.

But right now, it isn't me. It was the person whom I wish to be.

So who am I right now?

Perfection (完)

I've thought about this some time back, about what my personality actually means. I tend to be half-assed about the things that I do, but looking back, is that really true? Right now I'm working hard, and while the work may not be as hard as my peers, I tend to believe that I put my bestest into things.

But when the going goes tough, I get more and more encouraged. I want to complete the job, I tell myself, I want it to be Gold Code, I don't want some half-assed job that I usually do.

Didn't I just contradict myself there? I'm laid-back, and do half-assed jobs most of the time, but when faced with a challenge, I will push myself past my limits to complete whatever I have left to do. This contradiction is not the only thing that I noticed that's strange about myself.

When I get faced by a real tough challenge, or doing something to perfection, if any part of me feels that it's impossible to make the task perfect, then there's no way in hell that I'm going to do it at all. If I'm going to make a half-assed job, I won't even do it at all. What the fuck? Can I stay consistent? So do I actually want to do a half-assed job or not?

I cut corners when it comes to work that can be completed, but when it comes to work that can't be completed, I tell myself I'm not going to do a half-assed job. Double standards? Not really. Probably just plain lazy. I'm trying to make the most out of my time.

But that's not the case as well. When faced with tough challenges, there are times when I get even more encouraged and actually finish everything on time. So what am I? A menstrual kind of person? Who goes by his mood to do his work rather than his ability? Isn't that a bad thing?

I need to find myself again soon. Where did that I feel like I used to know so well go? Or was it me all along?

Metal (怒り)

I've been getting more and more irate as of late. Probably due to the fact that I'm mentally, physically and emotionally tired. I've tried taking the weekend off but I don't think anyone can heal back that amount that quickly. I really need a long-ass vacation.

But not just me either, there's a lot of tired people out there. All struggling with their life. Sometimes I wonder if its worth being inside this industry. Sure you get a job satisfaction, but the incoming stress feels overbearing.

I really should get down to completing my tuition grant and migrating to Japan.

Steamed Bun (饱)

I walked the same way I went home today, but today, I saw something special lying on the floor, and thus i decided to blog about it. It was a steamed bun, a normal one like you'd find in any supermarket or hawker. But this bun was sliced nicely right at the top part. the bottom half is missing, and so is any filling. Just the top half.

My mind automatically left to wander and wondered what could have happened to it. Did someone only want to eat the fillings of the bun? And left the white, rich flour alone to rot on the road? If that's the case, what happened to the layer covering the filling at the bottom?

Tampines has a lot of bikes, did this person eat the bun halfway only to get shocked by a bicycle riding close behind? Thus making him or her drop the bun on the floor? Or was it a nearby car suddenly honking really loudly? Or was it a motorbike that went past really quickly?

It was right beside the road, so there was so many scenarios that could have happened, but only one scenario got stuck in my head: The scenario where the said person did not want to eat the bun anymore, and chose to throw the rest away. But since its food, he didn't throw it to the bin nearby, he fed the passerby mice/ants instead.

It isn't gracious, of course, it isn't considerate. It's nothing that a model citizen should even think of doing. But its being done. Human's laziness, and their ability to make anything that they do sound reasonable. "Someone will clean it up later" they thought, "The ants need some extra food, let's give them some" another thought.

All these thoughts in my head, leading to one scenario after another. Letting my mind wander as though its on crack. The power of imagination, it can lead to creation, it can lead to destruction. I have an imaginative mind, I let my mind wander about sometimes in search of inspiration. Its my nature.

But not if I can control it. If I can just hold back my crazy thoughts and random ideas, I can get a lot more things done in a day. I can make sure that the things that I do, and the things I need to do, gets done on time. It's time to head back to what I always do, it's time to get back to work.

But for now, it's time to sleep. Letting the mind wander a little too much can get tiring.

Busy (話)

Because I've been so damn busy, I can't blog much.

Because I can't blog much, it shows that I'm busy.

But whichever the case is, its true that I've been neglecting this blog post because of a few things that happened over the last few months. let me start with the most life changing event. Which is also why I made less posts as well.

I got a job. Hahah, you guys were guessing girlfriend? Nah, no such luck man. I'm still fat and unattractive as ever. Nothing good ever happens to guys like me. If I don't love my life this much, I will probably be on a noose right now.

But getting a job and staying single is something that I actually enjoy right now. Having an income and almost no expenses aside from the ones I'm already USED to paying for, I'm pretty much in full freedom right now. Aside from the fact that I've been really busy with work and other side jobs.

Side jobs? Oh yes I help people ship in things right now. Usually for no to minimal profit, just doing a favor for my fellow card loving friends that doesn't have bank accounts to do transfers. Or feel that its too unsafe to do online transactions like this.

While it is seriously unsafe, I don't see the point of NOT taking the risk. I guess it really defers from people to people to strike when the iron is hot- or not. I don't see the risk, and I don't see why not take this chance to do something I have never done before. So I did.

Whereas the rest of my friends are much more apprehensive when it comes to this. Some may not really have the drive or the motivation to do things like these. But me being me, being very easy to please, I do end up having fun when it comes to doing silly things like these.

Also, I still work for Microware for show days. I love that company and the people. All of them are so friendly most of the time. Maybe because we aren't really very competitive people, because if we were, we would be in a better-paying company.

All of us just want to have something to do to while our time away during weekends. Preferably getting a simple side job that requires low to no brains. This job is perfect for people like us- people like me. I somehow or other feel that people don't like getting categorized with me, so I'll stop doing that.

Secondly, I got to cosplay. I'm not sure if I posted about this before. But the past cosfest would have been the third event I went as Dan for. Everyone kept praising me for really looking and acting his part. Acting his part was easy, but looking like him?

He has some decent muscles, all I have is fats! What the hell was that about looking like him!? But only until I bought Super Street Fighter 4 : Arcade Edition did I realize that Dan was ACTUALLY really tubby. It may not be obvious from his 3d model, but the animation can't go wrong.

It was fun going around acting stupid just to earn some lols. And of course, to earn some extra contacts for my Facebook. Its pretty hard having a half-dead brain and you're supposed to remember everyone, thank goodness there's Facebook to help me keep track of them.

Thirdly, I got myself, and lost myself, a girlfriend. Danielle was a really nice girl, whom I felt really genuinely liked me. We got out, hung out, and chatted often. Then we broke up. Mainly due the following few reasons:

3a) Her family. Her family is very strict, from what I've been hearing. And since its her O-Level year she can't even step out of the house without her parents nagging at her. Of course school is an exception. But anywhere else is a definite earful.

3b) Her best friend. Whom she had refused to name so far. Probably because she doesn't want me to generalize and hate that name. But that's not true, I don't hate anyone. I just feel indifferent. Maybe that's hate to others but its just normal to me. I look like I like everything, but that's because I actually, deeply, secretly, abhor everything.

3c) Her studies. Coincides with her family. But she may want to further her studies overseas. With no NS holding her back, and her half-foreigner status from her parent's origins, she has the option of going to England to study after Os. I completely understand this point.

She doesn't want me to feel like she's betrayed me because she ran away the moment her school days here are over. Neither does she want me to feel left out, and that I should go for someone else instead of blindly waiting for her once a month free day and we go out.

She doesn't want to feel burdened and not able to make the choice of going overseas because I'm still with her. She probably feels this but isn't able to say it out. She doesn't want to feel burdened, neither put burden on me. Neither does she want to hurt me. She's lost, and a headfirst freefall is the fastest way out. She took it.

What she doesn't know is that I really, really don't mind. I like her strange consideration in everything she does, I really do. I like her honesty when she admits that she's high maintenance, because which girl isn't? I like the way she acts like Captain Obvious, but is genuinely interested in the article she's pointing out!

I also like the way she makes me think, and when I come back to it, I'll be asking the very same question that she had already answered a few times before. Then I'll stop myself from saying anymore, then I realize that she had made me lose all my words. Ricky!? Having no topic? That's harsh!

I really enjoyed the days we were together. But even now we do talk to each other through text. Just that I can't make it sound too... Mushy...? I guess. But maybe that's my own undoing. Maybe she's not into romantic stuff. Maybe she's into companionship more, and me forcing romance in is just me being me.

What a fool.

3d) Her crush. This one is rather personal, so I won't touch too much about it. She has a crush that she's been eyeing for months now. She looks up to this person as a role model. But more than just a role model, a life partner. She wants this person so bad, she sometimes makes bad decisions because of this.

Which is, really pretty darn unlike her. Because she's calculative, somewhat scheming, clever. She's great at improvisation as well. She may come off looking blur, but I can sense that she's been thinking too much. The way she acts reminds me a lot like Kosmo. Thought too much, can't think anymore, act blur.

I still have feelings for her. Although of course, who knows, one of these days, another girl will come up and catch my attention so badly, I'll end up feeling the need to want to have her. But before that day arrives, I'll live my bachelor crusade.

Ah, Crusade, a gigantic part of my life now. I love that card game.

But still, I feel like shit. Maybe its work stress, maybe its just me slowly dying inside.

Whatever it is, I better snap out of it soon. And sleep. Windows Phone Programming seems pretty fun with C# as its native language. I can't wait to learn more tomorrow. I hope they give us some hands-on practice though. It would really help me understand a lot better.

Off to meet Timmy and Ying Hao! And yes I've memorized their names! Go me!

Netorare (寝)

I have been wanting to say this for the longest of time, that I think I am sick from within. Not just the normal kind of sick, but the really, really sick kind of sick. I enjoy horrible, horrible horrible, things in life that I call pleasures, and one of the greatest kicks I get is reading, or watching shows that involve Netorare.

Netorare, is simply put, the crushing of one's innocence. Like how a young couple falls innocently in love with each other, but the girl gets raped in front of the boy, and worst of all, she's enjoying it. Nothing else amounts up to the same amount of pleasure, the kick, the insanity that rushes through my brains as I read these kind of stories.

Or maybe this is the reason why I like psychological and psychological horror shows and mangas. It feels great, refreshing, something out of ordinary, I love the suspense and the reactions of the characters that get NTRed, there's so much to look forward to in every single different story. Although it is technically the same story over and over again, there's just so much difference in every single one. The feeling, the desperation, the reactions to every single situation.

It just feels like something so real, something so humane, the fact that someone's abusing his power because of his superiority, someone else getting oppressed because of their weakness, someone that gets his or her heart broken after seeing what the real world is like. Especially the world of the adults.

Their innocence shattered, their dreams burned away, their hope vanishes, their eyes lose all light, they go down the path of destruction, or the path that runs away from his or her true self, denying all kinds of progress made in life.

Ah, the stale air of someone's breath that's soon to be his last. That insane feeling when you see a person slumped down in despair, wishing they would come back up, stand up and fight the hopeless fight, to fail time and time again. Without end, without rest, without ever having to think about how much it hurts inside. But you, as the watchers, you feel everything, you feel their pain, their suffering, and you look back at yourself, thinking.

"He suffered in my place. Let's hope I don't suffer the same way he did."

But alas, that's not what most people would seek after. They seek joys, and laughter, they seek mild and basic forms of entertainment. They seek to enjoy by sharing happy thoughts, not to enjoy by watching others suffer. Not to enjoy by simply killing another.

But if you're the kind that seeks enjoyment in laughter. Then you're probably not human.

You're the sick kind of bastard that laughs at situations a normal person runs into. You seek enjoyment in the experience of others, not by empathizing with them, not by watching them suffer do you feel more experience in life, but in watching their little comedies in life unfold. How can a normal person do that?

How can a normal, living, breathing, thinking, human being look at something unfolding before their eyes. Not empathize, but laugh at the mere stupidity of the other party.

Surely you must not be human.

Surely not.

Maybe I'm the sane one here.

Sleep (醒)

I can't sleep.

I haven't been able to think straight for a few days now, always confused and detatched from what I have to do, I realize that I don't even do the things I'm supposed to do. It really isn't like me to feel this demoralized to do anything at all.

I feel like I need a break, but nobody wants to give me a break. I feel like I earned it, I deserved it, I want it, and I would really love to have it, yet nothing stops their pace for me. Nothing stops for anyone.

I realized that the world moves faster than anyone can imagine. 3 years of programming, all amounting up to nothing, having to relearn everything that I've learnt once again.

No friends to push you on, no one to help you get back on track, all they seem to ever do is to throw you off-track, to slack alongside them while they proceed on, leaving you behind, wallowing in the memories of friendship.

I'm such a fool. I should get some coffee tomorrow morning and once again strive to do my work, even though I really hate to see eNinja's face once again.

At least the base code is up on xCode, all I have to do is transfer and translate it to Java. And hopefully Android treats me well tomorrow onwards for the next 2 weeks.

I've felt pathetic for almost 2 weeks now. It's about time I earned back everything I lost these 2 weeks back by doubling my work pace for the very same 2 weeks I lost.

Let's rock.